Hi distant friend,
The month of love has come and gone, while I am still thinking about an experience close to love but with its own independent identity and raison-detre - flirting. I invited my dearest friend and esteemed flirt, Shreya, to chat with me about it. So, here’s a slightly patchy but (i lightly promise) entertaining conversation between us.
If there’s anything you take away from this conversation, it is that flirting - much like friendship - is important because it makes you feel good. Not ‘good’ generally but in an important, feel ‘good about yourself’ way. Our flirting style (and friends) mirror parts of who we aspire to be, and they bring out our best side. We typically look askance at flirting but, instead, we should encourage it and ensure it’s careful and gentle. That said, flirting should not be agnostic of feedback. When done well, it can have the wonderful result of making a regular human being feel special and desirable. It doesn’t need love or sex to mark its success, but just a smile - or a smirk - as one tilts their head back.
Something I didn’t express as well as I wanted: Projection is the playing field where we all play and flirt. I can’t speak for men but I fear that women often try to project intellect and humor as a way of gaining respect; to not be cast aside as a ‘typical girl’. In the conversation, Shreya jokingly and accurately calls this the ‘feminine urge to be a complete package’. Certainly, for me, I know a lot of flirting has been ruined because I am absorbed in the obsession with earning the guy’s respect. I wonder how doing away with dichotomies of maddona/wh*re and “guy’s girl vs girly girl” would reimagine flirting.
A Question I’m still asking: How to flirt well in-person while sober, i.e. without alcohol?
Order of this conversation:
Guardrails for the conversation
Why is flirting important?
Where does flirting fit in the hierarchy of love?
Bollywood’s depiction of flirting
Bad vs Good flirts and Flirting vs Having a Crush
What makes a compliment fail/work? Or, the important balance of attention and simplicity
What are our own flirting styles? and the importance of *incorporating* feedback
Why rape culture ruins flirting
What spaces and dynamics are well-suited to flirting?
Does flirting end with love? (EN: I absolutely love this one!)
Are you cheating if you’re flirting outside your relationship?
Care and responsibility in flirting
Offline and online flirting
Some fun, flirty one-liners (+ bonus non-flirty but very funny chats from Shreya)
Songs that capture flirting vibez (pls excuse my mistaken lyrics and horribly narrated lyrics)
Footnotes:
The beautiful, flirtatious scene from Piku that Shreya describes.
Pakistan grape video . Warning: Reduce your volume. There’s a lot of screaming.
Our spotify playlist with flirty songs
I know the AV is quite patchy here and I promise to do better in future. If you have any free podcast recording services I can use, please suggest below.
Before you go: Please check-out
’s substack, Bread Factory. In addition to being my dearest friend and favorite person, she is also among my favorite writers because she writes with attention, humor and sexy punches. To start, I highly recommend my favorite essay analyzing the kiss scene from the movie, Sir.As always, thank you for making it so far. If you liked this, let me know. If you have ✨thoughts✨, let me know. If you hated it, please leave me alone.
On Flirting